Last night I watched a Netflix show called "Never have I ever" based on American teenagers in a high school and their angst, especially when it comes to love!
"Devi" who is one of the main characters in the show, was just dumped by her boyfriend (the school's hottie!) not because he didn't like her, but because her insecurities made her feel unworthy which meant this girl was doing what I call energy leaking - which ultimately destroyed their connection.
And it really got me thinking - because even though this character is a teenage girl - whom my teenage self can really relate to - the relatability doesn’t end there.
Insecurities and low self-worth perpetuated all my relationships until I reached 40 and realised that my relationship with myself seemed to be causing a few issues in my love life. (PSSST that’s a big ol’ downplay!) It was also at the root of other unhealthy cycles -- excessive partying, issues with alcohol, body obsession, and disordered eating and exercising. But let’s put those aside for now, we can chat about them on another day!
Anyway, my point is it soon became very clear if I wanted to feel good - you know stop that constant nagging feeling I wasn’t enough -- change my interactions with men -- actually meet a good man and be in a healthy relationship. I had to figure out what the hell was it in me that was wreaking such havoc in my love life. Because clearly, whatever it was needed attention. And if I didn’t “fix” it, things might never change and I DEFINITELY wasn’t available for that!
At this point, I had also come to accept that I was the common denominator in all my relationships (Yikes!) so you know blaming the men, playing a tinny tiny victim role, telling myself “it’s just bad luck” HAD TO STOP. Because it was disempowering and keeping me stuck.
So I dove in and began examining my relationship with myself…
I discovered big trauma and little trauma that I had completely disregarded as having had any kind of an impact. I uncovered family patterns and programming that were not helpful. I dragged my core wounds kicking and screaming into the light and began to peel back the shame blanket that had been hugging me tight for years.
I also learnt that the men I had dated and tried to create relationships with were all mirrors and reflected something to me about me. And let me tell you that was one hell of an eye-opening, WTF moment!
So the men I invited who were flakey 'AF', emotionally unavailable, disrespectful, not clear on what they wanted, didn’t value me, used me and then tossed me to the side, didn't love me. --these men were showing me what my relationship with myself was.
They were showing me the wounds and patterns that needed some serious attention if I wanted things to change. They were reflecting my level of self-worth and self-value (which if you couldn’t tell was in the toilet!). My childhood wounds. My own emotional unavailability. A lack of respect for myself. And how little I loved myself or believed that I was good enough for what I truly wanted.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me very sad - thinking of all the versions of me from a baby - and how much pain she was in. BUT I also felt freakin’ liberated because now I understood what was truly happening -- I had the power to do something about it! Which I did!!
And here’s the truth about how the law of attraction and manifestation works...
For you to bring something you desire into your reality you must be its energetic match. Meaning that on a conscious and unconscious level you must:
- Feel worthy of what you want
- Believe what you want is possible
- Embody the energy of what you desire before it becomes a reality.
- Be taking aligned action.
The simplest way to put this is whatever you want to be reflected back to you in any area of life - you have to do it first. Meaning you need to be embodying the feelings and the energy BEFORE anything can reflect it back to you.
- If you want unconditional romantic love you gotta be on the path to learning to unconditionally accept yourself and developing the discipline of self-love first.
- If you want to feel worthy - you have to create that inside of you first
- If you are seeking success you have to feel successful first
- You can't be valued by another until you value yourself.
You have to access these feelings from within. It can't be a conditional thing, i.e. you can't say, "when I find the relationship, then I will feel worthy and love myself." "When I have x amount of money, then I will feel abundant." NOPE, you actually need to put the horse before the cart here.
Soo to manifest what you want. It starts with a solid foundation - and your foundation is your relationship with yourself.
To manifest the partner who is all the things you want them to be…
- Someone who sees and you hears you,
- Open and honest
- Loves you unconditionally
- Values you and your worth
- Emotionally available
And so on - I think you get the picture - a man plastered with green flags versus red ones. The relationship with yourself needs to resemble this.
Now, let's be real for a minute
Depending on where you are at right now - this ain’t gonna happen overnight.
It’s gonna require a commitment to doing the inner work and a commitment to practising being the new you before you’ve truly created the change inside -- this is one of the things you have to do to help lay new pathways in your brain.
In hindsight, I definitely could have fast-forwarded my process if I hadn’t pieced it all together myself -- which was a big old challenge --because there's SO MUCH personal development, and healing work advice out there. Do you feel me?
But on the upside, my DIY journey allowed me to figure out what you need to do and what you DON'T need to do. This allowed me to create a course for any woman who wants an easier and more efficient journey!
So now let's get practical!
Here are some things you need to do - best to view yourself as your own architect and builder - to manifest a better relationship with yourself and as a result allow the love you desire to magnetise in your direction.
- Create the vision of what you want your own relationship to look and feel like
- Map out the action steps you need to take
- Take the aligned action to build a healthy relationship with yourself - aka do the inner work, learn to master your inner environment and your emotions (when you master these OHHHH BOOYYY does life change!)
- Find ways to stay connected to this vision - a vision board is amazing - and have tools that you turn to when you feel your old patterns kicking in
- Build a strong trust muscle with yourself and the universe
- Develop unshakeable self-worth
- Practice the discipline of self-love - self-respect - self-compassion - self-acceptance.
- Practice being the new you every day
Things to know
- You don't have to love every part of yourself but you do need to accept every part of yourself.
- You don't have to be perfect just authentic and fully expressed
- When you up-level and raise your standards within your relationship with yourself everything else in your life follows.
- You do not have to be a perfectly healed human to date - you just need awareness of how to manage your sh*t so it doesn’t sabotage you.
Aligned Action that strengthens and up levels the relationship with yourself
- Learn to feel your feelings - process and release them from the body
- Embody your powerful feminine energy - one easy way to do this is to prioritise pleasure and beauty -- why not dress up your space, light some candles and then sit and really enjoy every mouthful of something delicious.
- Prioritise your needs - How? One-word BOUNDARIES!!
A simple place to start is to say NO to things that NO longer serve you. From the things in your home to the people you choose to spend most of your time with. Anything that's no longer aligned with you -- it's time to start saying NO to it!
- Uplevel your habits - look at the habits you have in your life and explore ways to upgrade them to ones that uplift and nourish you more - anything from what you consume to how you spend your free time.
- Audit and master your mind - begin to choose better thoughts that align with the identity of the person you are working on becoming. Because to embody a new way of being you need to think, act and believe differently - you need to become the master of your mind!
One cheeky and simple way you can interrupt familiar thought patterns - you know those Little F**kers that no longer serve you but keep popping up -- is by observing the thought, acknowledging it ain't welcome and replacing it with one that makes you feel positive and helps rather than hinders.
"Sarah is there a practice/tool I can use to help me with that?" SO GLAD YOU ASKED! YES!
I found this tool (which weirdly was something I did intuitively before I discovered it was an official NLP practice) called The Pattern Interrupt technique very helpful!
The Pattern Interrupt Technique
This is how it works...
When you catch a thought or a belief that’s not in alignment with who you want to be, or how you want to feel - you need to interrupt that bad boy - before it starts droning on and on and drags you into a downward spiral.
So what this could look like is...
- Notice - the low vibe thought that no longer serves you
- Name it - "I hear you saying to me I’m not good enough"
- Call it out - "But I know that thought is BS"
- Release -” SO I choose to let this thought go now BYEEEEEEEE!"
- Replace - And now I choose to think this thought instead “I know I am enough and I am safe to believe this thought”
Then rinse and repeat any time that or any other intrusive thought is trying to bustle its way into your life and hijack you -- because repetition is key to changing and reprogramming your mind.
Every day, commit to strengthening your new identity. Your brand-new way of being. The new energy you want to project.
And I want you to know this - the more you develop unshakeable self-worth, accept who you are and see how amazing you TRULY are the more your energy naturally becomes magnetic to your desires.
Over time alongside continuing to do the inner work - inner child healing, shadow work, masculine and feminine energy work, healing and reprogramming your love imprint and cleaning up any other energy leaks - you will...
- Witness the manifestation of the new relationship with yourself
- The reality you wanted to manifest is beginning to unfold and is coming to fruition.
And if it's not happening it simply means you still have shifts to make before it can happen - and you never need to stress because what’s meant for you will not pass you by.
If you could improve one thing about the relationship you have with yourself what would it be? Comment and let me know.
And before you depart - my group coaching program "Ready to Love" is open for applications!!!!
Ready for love is my signature course - created to teach you how to build confidence to just be yourself, feel your very best, and break bad dating habits so dating can be stress-free and fun & you’re open and ready to meet a man for a real relationship.
Find out more and book a call to see if Ready For Love is right for you - Hit the Gold button below and let's talk!!