How to find love after 40 - The 5 steps you need to take inside

dating datingcoach findinglove healing personal development relationshipcoach relationships selflove Apr 04, 2022

 Hello, welcome back to my blog thank you so much for being here.

Today I want to share with you the five steps that completely changed the results I was creating in my love life and actually led me to meet my man at the age of 42 and now be in a healthy, happy relationship.

So if you are over the age of 40 and you have those doubt-filled thoughts "I'm too old to meet someone", "who would want me now" or "I might as well give up and settle with being alone." Then I want you to keep reading and really take in these five steps.

Because here is what I know to be true.

Anything is possible for you at any age but there are some very important steps that you need to take to make it happen.

Ready? Ok, let's dive in.

Step one - Decide what it is that you actually want!

Seems obvious but surprising how many women I speak to don't do this. (Generally, because they don't believe it's possible for them.)

You have to get radically honest with yourself and say out loud what you want. If you want a long term relationship then OWN IT.

It's time to stop pretending that you are ok with hookups and casual. 

It's time to stop hiding behind the "I don't need anyone" story. Being in a relationship isn't about needing it. It's about wanting it. You can be a happy independent individual with a great life who doesn't need a relationship but would like one.

In my experience, this story is a piece of the protective armour you've built to try and prevent pain. But in the process, it's causing you pain because it's getting in the way of the companionship and the relationship that deep down you know you want.

Don't let your protective guard stop you from getting what you truly want.

Once you've owned what you want. Then you get to create your relationship vision. And this needs to go beyond the superficial things that perhaps you have fixated on previously. You know what I'm talking about -- height, income, job title, the car they drive etc. 

This is about identifying who the person you want to be with is at their core.

  • Who is this person that you want to share your great life with?
  • Who would you enjoy spending potentially the rest of your life with?
  • How do they show up in the relationship? How do they show up for you?

It's about getting clear on the difference between partner non-negotiables v needs v wishlist. Because they are different. And I've seen so many women dating someone who ticks a lot of the wish list. But when they explore deeper they realise there aren't compatible because they tick none of their non-negotiable boxes.

We go deep into this exercise in my program The Secure and Confident Dater because the more clarity you have about what it is you want the easier dating and meeting this person becomes.

When I crafted my list I did a literal list. But you might find free writing a story more your thing. 

And what I'm about to share might blow your mind!

Once you have your list then it's time to use it as a mirror. ( more detail later in the blog.)

Say what now Sarah?

Ok, let me explain.

To attract what we want we have to be what we want. Not perfectly or like a carbon copy. But we have to be in alignment with the person we want to attract.

So we have to ask ourselves if that's the person I want to attract if I'm being honest how many of the things that I'm looking for in a partner am I actually fully embodying myself?

Because you will always attract what you are being not what you want.

So if you are looking for someone who is secure and confident, who shows up in the relationship being honest, open and fully emotionally available. Then you need to be on the path to learning and embodying that way of being.

And for most of us (me included), this takes going through a step-by-step process to go deep and let go of what's not working. And to develop the habits of a new version of yourself. The version of you that shows up differently in dating, relationships and life.

So to conclude walk to the mirror and make a declaration out loud about what it is that you actually want for yourself and your love life.

Then take some time to craft your list and get excited about meeting this person and what your relationship and life will feel like when they are here.

Step two - Time to reflect 

Let's be real no one likes to make mistakes. No one likes to fail. No one likes to have a bad dating experience. And no one likes to go through a relationship breakup.

So when these things happen the temptation is to block them out. And run from it. Or on the flipside to sit in the shit, over analyse it for far too long and hold onto resentment. 

Neither is the way to go. The best plan is to use the experiences to catapult you forward by reflecting on what worked and what didn't work. And seeing what similarities (aka patterns) you can detect.

So step two is really about pausing and reflecting on your past dating and relationship experiences. 

When I did this step I learned some of my biggest lessons!

It became very clear to me as I examined my history that there had been themes and recurring patterns that had been happening all the back to when I was a teenager.

What I want you to reflect on is:

  • how did you show up in those past experiences? what version of yourself was present? 
  • what were the beliefs and stories you had?
  • what type of people were you attracting?

When you have this you will have insight into your dating and relationship patterns. And this gives you more clarity on the work you need to do on yourself to attract the partner that you want.

So step two is to pause and reflect on each of your past dating and relationship experiences.

Step three - Uncover your Love Obstacles

Now it's time to get clear on your biggest love obstacles.

Your love obstacles are your blind spots. They're the things you're not aware of but are causing the biggest blocks to you attracting the love you want.

So I'm going to use a very personal example here to demonstrate what you need to do.

All my previous coaches presented me with the mirror concept (mentioned earlier).

And to go deeper into what it is. It's the idea that everyone we meet in our lives is a mirror. They are mirroring to us the parts of our subconscious that we need to become aware of. And the parts of ourselves that we need to heal in order to be able to change the results in our life.

So for me, I had a very very clear pattern of always attracting unavailable men. And what I uncovered was that the reason I kept attracting these types of guys was that there was a part of me that was unavailable to myself and to others.

This part of me was shut down for 2 main reasons:

1. It was scared of being hurt. It was scared of pain. It was scared of being rejected

2. This part of me believed that being authentically me and staying true to my wants, needs and desires was unsafe. And this led me to chronic self-abandonment.

This unavailable part of me was attracting partners who were also unavailable to mirror to me that this was something I needed to look at and begin healing to change the results in my love life.

When I had this "AHHH-haaaa" it was like the biggest breakthrough I've ever ever had. And actually, once I was aware of this part of me and mastered working with it. The results in my love life changed very very quickly. And I actually met my partner not long after making this discovery! 

I know that looking at those deeper layers and facing the truth of how you've been creating the results in your love life up until now is painful and oftentimes really uncomfortable.

But if you're prepared to really focus on it. If you're prepared to do the work necessary then things can actually really shift very quickly for you. 

Especially if you have the right process to follow and it includes mastering something called your Foundational Love Blueprint (this is what's creating your love results on default right now.)

My suggestion is to use the mirror concept and look back at what you uncovered in step two.

Ask yourself...

  • what is it that each of these experiences wants to teach me?
  • what are they trying to show me that I need to accept and heal?

Okay my sweet friend we're now on to step four.

Step four - Declutter and let go

This is what I refer to as the decluttering step.

In step three you've begun to uncover your love obstacles. And having awareness is great but it's not enough.

We have to now take your love obstacles from their root, dismantle them and let them go. 

This phase needs to focus on healing, clearing space so you can begin a deeper personal transformation into the 2.0 version of yourself.

It's about...

  • accepting & healing past wounds & traumas
  • allowing yourself to let go of old and limiting beliefs
  • creating an upgraded belief system
  • creating new stories and habits when it comes to dating and relationships.

It's really about you being empowered to have a different relationship yourself and as a result, create a different experience when it comes to dating and relationships.

You are literally taking thoughts and beliefs that you've been repetitively thinking over and over for x amount of years and you're now committing to changing them by taking intentional action every day.

It's a bit like learning a new language.

The more you practice, the easier it becomes for you to think new thoughts. Believe new beliefs. Choose different actions. Be a different version of yourself and experience new and desirable results. 

You change how you show up in dating and relationships. You change how you show up for yourself.  You change how you respond to things that come up.

As a result things in dating, love and life change. Because you CAN NOT experience the same results when you are showing up differently. YOU CHANGE. THE RESULTS CHANGE. 

So this phase is about identifying the biggest things that you need to heal. The biggest things you need to release. And then finding the right steps to take + the right guidance and tools to support you to do that best.

Because there is no right or wrong way to do this work to get you on the right path to finding your dream relationship. But I know that some ways are faster than others. And that's why I created The Secure and Confident Dater program to give people the most direct and simplest route!

Step 5 - the dating strategy 

The final step!!

So you will never feel ready to date (ready is a lie).

So I find I have to gently push people to begin. Because there is only so far you need to go in healing yourself before the time comes and you just need to date! YOU DON'T NEED TO HEAL EVERYTHING BEFORE YOU BEGIN DATING.

I didn't begin to date again until I noticed that I was having different thoughts about it. And that the anxiety and desperation I had previously been feeling about meeting someone had dialled down A LOT. I was having very different feelings about the whole experience.

I wasn't looking for dating to fulfil a void or validate me.  I wanted to find someone to add to my life but not be my life. And this is why THE WHY behind dating is so important.

If you're looking for someone to fill a void, complete you or be the thing that finally makes you happy about yourself and life. Then you're approaching it for the wrong reasons. Because a relationship is about complementing and enhancing the life that you already have. It's not about validating you, your life or being the source of your self-worth.

My final word

In the work, I do with my clients I have taken all the steps I took that helped me become secure and confident in my skin and meet my partner. And streamlined them.

And a core part of the work we do is surrounding their Foundational Love Blueprint. And this in short is something I created that explains the internal guidance system about how attraction, love & relationships work for you. 

When you have no awareness of your FLB, it creates for you on default. So the results you are currently experiencing have been created by your current Foundational Love Blueprint. To change your results you need to become aware, make some shifts within your FLB and learn how to work with it.

Until my clients, have awareness of their Foundational Love Blueprintlearnt how to work with it and have had some important mindset shifts about themselves and dating we don't move onto the Dating strategy step. 

But when they're in a good place we create a dating strategy. And some of the things we include are a 90day plan, setting up profiles, and deciding on dating boundaries.

I get them to create pre and post dating rituals.


1. Pre: To ensure their energy and mindset are in a good place. Because you attract what you are being not what you want. So it's important that you are conscious and primed to show up as the best version of yourself.

2. Post: To make sure they reflect on each date so they can learn from it and decide how they felt about the person and the experience. We also throw in some specific things that they as an individual need to be aware of depending on their unique FLB.

This phase is great fun. And time to get excited that you have moved through the steps and you have done the work and are in a good place to date. ❤️

And that brings me to the end of today's blog. I hope it has offered you some helpful insight to help you on your journey to finding the relationship you dream of.

See you soon 

Sending Love and Light

Sarah 💫💫

Interested in learning more about working with me to uncover your Foundational Love Blueprint, getting unstuck in your love life and getting on the right path to finding your dream relationship? 


Fill out this form here to apply for a discovery call. If I think I can help we will book a call to chat further.



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About the author

Hello you! I'm Sarah. I am the creator of The Secure and Confident Dater Program and the Foundational Love Blueprint. I am a qualified Dating and Relationship and Life Coach.

I live in London and I'm in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful guy in NYC!

You can find me at home or in coffee shops creating content for you across my various platforms (Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube), searching for vintage/retro gems!

 I created this blog to share with you my journey to thriving more than ever in my 40s. I want to give you everything I’ve learnt so you can learn how to become the most fun, happy confident version of yourself and live a life you love.

You can expect posts on dating, relationships, self-love, mind management, style & general life musings!

You can find out more about me & my work as a coach HERE.