I never thought self-love would be so f**king hard did you?

bodypositivity relationshipcoach relationships selflove Jun 28, 2021

The coffee is poured and it's 11.15 am on a Thursday morning in April here in London.

I'm settled into my reading chair to write (contradictory I know!) which is in the middle of some plants in my living room and I'm wearing my comfy yet stylish jeans which are 70's flares that DO NOT dig into my lockdown tummy like a barbed-wire! 

If you know me from Instagram(if you don't find me here) then you'll already be very aware of my message and mission, but in case you don't (nice to meet you BTW) let me bring you up to speed.


As women, society has heavily rewarded and celebrated us for losing weight, being skinny and fit, petit and pretty, being quiet and easy-going; essentially anything that makes us smaller and silent. ( And this only scratches the surface!)

This has resulted in a lot of women feeling inadequate as themselves, scared to speak their needs and desires which has resulted in more self-hating and self-doubt than self-love.

In a recent study conducted by the Body Shop for their self-love index, they uncovered that nearly 1 in 2 people around the world feel more self-doubt than self-love.

And for a long time my friend I was one of those 1 in 2 people; so I know the pain of deep down knowing you want so much more for yourself but not really believing you can have it or that you even deserve it.

You know that's a croc of crap right? Well if you don't I'm telling you it is!

My true journey to self-love has been a rocky road and honestly, it's something I will be on for the rest of my life.

But my journey is why I'm so passionate about helping women to thrive in the relationship with themselves because I, for so many years, wasn't thriving and I didn’t even know it!

I was just kind of getting up and going through the motions in my daily life and it took me getting to nearly a breaking point after living extreme everything (training, dieting, etc) for me to realize that things were not in harmony and I was desperately unhappy.

This is one of the hardest realizations I’ve ever had to accept about myself; that this life I created, the one I was in, I wasn’t happy with it.

One of my biggest fears is that I will get to the end of my life and feel regretful about the life I chose to create and live.


So at that moment, I had to face the reality that if I kept going and didn’t do something different then things were going to stay exactly the same and I could end up living the reality of my biggest fear.

This was a slap me in the face with a fish moment (aka turning point!)

I literally decided fuck this I've had enough, things need to change and more specifically the relationship with myself needed a serious overhaul.

Because that’s what was going wrong;

That’s what was short-circuiting my life the bare fact that I didn’t like ME.

I didn’t love myself and I had become so disconnected from my true self I didn’t even know who I was.

I was just a little lost soul attaching myself to whatever the next thing was that I thought would make me feel enough.

I was constantly up at night trying to figure out was the thing that was missing. 

"maybe if I get the body perfect"

"change my hair, teeth, butt, tits"

"change my views and opinions"

"find a man"

"build my social media more"

"do more for my friends/family"

"get a better job"

"Maybe then the missing piece will arrive and I will feel enough and finally be able to love myself."

But none of that is what leads to self-love.

Self-love is the deeper inner relationship you have with yourself.

It's your way of being with yourself

How you speak to yourself

Treat yourself

The perception you have of yourself

How you perceive life is meant to be for you

How you respond to things that happen to you


Self-love is actually a hard journey. 

Just for a minute imagine you're an onion and at the centre of the onion, you're hanging out in your purest form.

You are the version of you before life got to you! 

You have no self-doubt or self-judgement about who you are.

You know you're the shit.

You know you're a fucking amazing goddess warrior capable of anything, deserving of everything she desires

You know your worth as a high-quality valuable woman and you need nothing outside of you to happen to prove it.

It's you before all the conditioning. 

The journey to self-love is peeling back the protective layers of the onion one by one, healing the shit and then letting it go.

It's a process that takes tears, snot and facing uncomfortable truths.

It is a process that takes work and time (I know 2 things you never want to hear but that's the truth.)

You have to undo a lot of crap, write a new belief system and then work on rewiring your brain (google neuroplasticity if you think that's not possible!)

To put it in its simplest form it's learning a new language so you gotta show up and practice it every fucking day, but you can chill it's not about big gestures it's about doing small acts of self-love consistently.

You wouldn't try or be able to learn a whole new language in a day!!

I was only thinking yesterday how incredibly different it feels to be me these days!

But real self-love is not about always thinking positively or trying to be happy all the time. 

It's about being real HONEST about what's going on inside of you.

It's about honouring that experience without judgement and having the tools to be able to move through it rather than getting stuck in it.

It's about learning to live under an umbrella of self-compassion and self-kindness no matter what is happening in your life and not making anything that goes wrong in your life mean that there is something wrong with you. (there isn't anything wrong with you you're perfect -- seriously)

And there is no need to put any pressure on yourself to live up to an ideal perfection of what self-love is as shown on socials.

Self-love is about you finding your own way and having your own experience, the one that makes you feel best. 

And for all you perfectionists reading this (I see you!), there isn't a right or wrong way to go about doing this, there isn't a perfect process you need to have in place.

And the one or two or even more day's where it all goes to shit does not mean you've failed. Congratulations you just proved your humanness.

Sooo where to even start with this journey??? Don't panic I got you!!

Here are a few ideas which came from where I started on my own journey. I suggest journaling into each of the questions:

Step 1 - Get REALLY honest with yourself about how you are with yourself on a day-to-day basis! 

  • What are the things you’re saying to yourself?
  • How do they make you feel?
  • What are the things you would like to change?
  • What would you like to think about yourself, say to yourself? 
  • How would you like to feel?

Now practice the new thoughts, words and feelings.

Step 2 - Make the conscious decision that you want this relationship with yourself to change. 

  • Is what you found in step one serving your higher purpose, your bigger goals, and your path to completely blissful happiness? 
  • What version of you would support that? go wild write a day in the life of your highest self. 
  • Think about the relationship with yourself like you would with friends, family, or a partner - what boundaries do you need to set with yourself? 

Now practice the new thoughts, words and feelings.

  • Step 3 - Meet yourself where you are at! 
  • Try not to expect massive change right away - it takes time and each day is a tiny step toward loving yourself more and more.
    • What are some expectations you have that need to be released?
  • Remember to look back on how far you have come, already! 
    • Where can you give yourself credit for the growth that you have already done? 


  • In what areas are you expecting perfection and for things to happen quickly?
    • How can you release those expectations? 
    • How can you remind yourself, daily, that it’s ok to be exactly where you are and that the goal is not perfection but to move into whatever the next phase is for you?  

Step 5 - Get yourself a physical reminder! 

  • I LOVE the self-love, or self-appreciation, jar: 
    • Grab yourself a big, clear jar 
    • Each day, write down 1-2 things that you either like, value, or love about yourself 
    • Watch all of the gratitude and self-love fill that jar!! That’s how incredible you are! 

I know you might be thinking ugghh seems hard and I hear you love.

But this isn't only about you. It's about everyone around you, hell it's about the whole world.

Because imagine if every woman in the world accepted and loved herself even a little bit more than she does right now? (my mission is to have that at a hell of a lot more)

Imagine the ripple effect that would have across the entire world; because my sweet friend us fabulous women are wayyyy more powerful than we realise.

I firmly believe a world with more women loving themselves, accepting themselves, owning themselves, being themselves and loving themselves would mean a better world overall.

Let's be the change we want to see.

If you have any questions or comments feel free to pop them below or reach out to me via Instagram DM's here.

Sending you much grand love
XO Sarah 

PS: If you need more guidance on your Self-love journey you can enquire about working with me 1:1 here or book a Free Clarity Session with me here.

Or check out my DIY mindset course here


das me having a hoot !!!!!


About the author

Hello you! I'm Sarah. I am the creator of The Secure and Confident Dater Program and the Foundational Love Blueprint. I am a qualified Dating and Relationship and Life Coach.

I live in London and I'm in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful guy in NYC!

You can find me at home or in coffee shops creating content for you across my various platforms (Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube), searching for vintage/retro gems!

 I created this blog to share with you my journey to thriving more than ever in my 40s. I want to give you everything I’ve learnt so you can learn how to become the most fun, happy confident version of yourself and live a life you love.

You can expect posts on dating, relationships, self-love, mind management, style & general life musings!

You can find out more about me & my work as a coach HERE.