Let's talk about love styles and love languages, how they can make your relationships better and help you develop more self love.

dating findinglove personal development relationshipcoach relationships selflove Sep 27, 2021
Let's talk about love styles and love languages

 In your relationship (past or present) have you ever thought he/she doesn’t get me?

I sure have. In past relationships, I felt misunderstood. Now I realise I didn’t understand myself so of course, no one else could understand me!

Fast forward to my relationship now and, it’s a totally different experience. I know who I am and what I want and therefore I'm able to communicate it.

This means I (finally!) attracted a man who understands me, hears me and sees me.

But getting to this place didn't happen accidentally. 

I attracted a man who was the total opposite of all my exes because I did my own work.

I changed myself. I uncovered and shifted my invisible obstacles. The obstacles that were unbeknownst to me and had attracted the wrong guys and repelled the right guys. 

Invisible obstacles like:

  • Unconsciously leaking desperate energy.  (Which can sound like: “When he likes me then I know I’m good enough”, “If he was my boyfriend then I’d be happy”, “I need him to pick me”)
  • Holding beliefs such as  “I’m never good enough”, “I’m unloveable.”
  • Unconsciously hiding behind protective patterns. So I was actually energetically closed off to love. I had a love wall up to protect me from being hurt, rejected or abandoned

Without facing and shifting these obstacles. I know for a fact I would still be in the same position I had always been. Single and attracting douches!

But instead, I met a great guy who has the same values as me. And we have set a goal to always work on the relationship together.

Building it brick by brick. And learning more about each other every step of the way.

Something that’s helped us a lot is taking the time to learn about how we as individuals like and need to experience love.

And so today in this blog today I want to show you how we did that. 

So get comfy grab a brew and let’s dive in

Misunderstandings can happen when you don't know how you experience love

In relationships, you have two (or maybe more) people and each person is unique.

Each person comes to the table with their own beliefs, thoughts, needs and desires when it comes to love. They literally have their own love language and style of expression.

And here’s how it can go tits up…

If you have 2 people with a love language or love expression that is the complete polar opposite of the other.  

Now to be clear the opposition isn't the problem. It's the lack of communication about it that can lead to problems.

To give you a specific example:

Let’s say your love language is physical touch. But receiving gifts is your partners love language.

Because as humans, each of us feels that our perception of the world is the right way we think that our love language is universal.

So when you touch your partner in your mind you're showing them how much you love and appreciate them.

But as your partner's perception of the world is different. They don’t feel as much love coming from the touch. They would have felt much more loved and seen if you had given them flowers.

But this isn’t something you ever think to do because gifts aren’t important to you. So as a result of the differences they don’t feel as loved and appreciated as you perceive they do.

Let's flip this around

When your partner showers you with gifts. They perceive they are making you feel loved and appreciated.

But your experience is different. You actually don't give a shit about the gifts. You just want more affection.

This lack of regular touch makes you feel disconnected and wondering "do they even love and appreciate me?" But your partner HAS NO IDEA! 

Can you see how this can be problematic?

In my experience, you can end up feeling like two ships passing in the night and this then becomes the root of friction and resentment. Both expressed and unexpressed.

Getting to know your partner’s patterns and needs is important because understanding how each of you receives gives and experiences romantic love helps you connect at a whole new level. 

It allows you to be open and experience more love, passion, freedom and growth in your relationship. 

And when you embrace both of your unique styles. You can create more chemistry and joyful love in your relationship.

 

 

During my training as a relationship and dating coach...

I was introduced to the concept of love styles. 

And I loved it so much I went ahead and created my own variation. So that's what we're looking at first. 

Like I mentioned the reason it’s helpful to understand your partner’s love needs and patterns is it supports a more connected relationship and allows both of you to experience fulfilment within the relationship.

Through understanding your Love Expressions, you have a window into the deepest layers of your lover and life partner. Andddddd it helps iron out many of the misunderstandings that cause friction in relationships. 

So let’s dive in.

The Love Styles or as I like to call them The Love Expressions!

1. The joyful, playful and lit up lover (in my head I picture them to be like Elf in nature!)

What they love: 

  • High energy, good vibes, and good times.
  • Enjoying the moment.
  • Spontaneity
  • Surprising their partner with mad gifts or trips
  • Feeling good in the moment.
  • Bringing joy to their partner

What they can struggle with:

  • Being brought into reality and having to deal with something hard
  • Others negative emotions. They can detach, not listen maybe even minimise a partners experience because they don’t want a buzz kill.
  • Feeling like a relationship isn’t working. Because they can’t get their partner to be as joyful and lit up as them about life all the time.
  • Committing to a serious relationship. Because they know that comes with hard “non-fun” times.

Partners experience:

  • They feel pressurised to try and keep up
  • May find themselves putting on an act to keep their joyful, playful and lit up lover happy
  • May feel they can’t express their feeling and emotions.

Sometimes the joyful, playful and lit up lovers are naturally drawn to the polar opposite. Because they want the challenge to elevate this partner to have their zest for life.

Initially, it may work. But if the partner returns their natural way of being. They can feel they are letting the joyful light lover down.

At the same time, the JLL feels like something is wrong with the relationship. Because they haven’t learnt how fully accept their partner’s different nature.

Advice for the light and joyful lover:

Accept that you have an amazing and unique energetic quality about you and DON’T EVER DIM YOUR LIGHT. But realise that not everyone is like you.

The best thing for you to do is learn to expand your range.

To accept that in relationships there will always be hard times. And difficult conversations are unavoidable. But that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong.

If your partner/ lovers style is one that is quieter/ moody lean into that. Work on accepting it. And learn how to work together with each other's natural love expressions. And see how powerful that will be for your relationship.

You can find harmony between light and dark. Which will make your relationship wonderful.

2.The passion goddess/god

What they love: 

  • Intimacy and physical connection. And physical pleasure.
  • Thinking about sex and having sex 
  • Passion
  • Having a partner with the same passion

What they can struggle with:

  • Knowing how to express love and be intimate without it being sexual. And can find it difficult to learn how to fulfil a partner’s different needs. At times finding it frustrating.
  • They may see sex as the only way to get relief and change their physical and mental state
  • Managing emotions. They often have intense outbursts of anger, jealously and vengeance.
  • Can often have a very different sex drive from their partner and this make them wonder if they’re out of balance.

Partner's experience:

  • If they aren't as passionate they may sometimes feel overwhelmed maybe even irritated by partners constant high level of passion.
  • Could struggle to express a need for affection without sex in fear of hurting partner
  • Could be brought out of their own shell and ignite a passion in them they didn't know they had.

Advice for the passion goddess/god

Acknowledge that your partner’s needs of intimacy are not the same as yours. Go on a journey of discovery and learn different ways of being.

This will not only bring you into harmony. But also deepen the intimate and passionate connection between you and your lover.

3. The steady Eddie salt of the earth grounded lover

What they love: 

  • Being there for you
  • Showing up as the rock in the relationship
  • Being an emotional safety net
  • Being connected to what matters most in life
  • Being in a relationship
  • Consistency and creating a life with one person.

What they can struggle with:

  • Not understanding when a partner voices they want more excitement & variation. Because they are content in the relationship they don’t need more. 
  • It can make them ask the question “isn’t their life and relationship enough?” 
  • Partners potential experience:
  • They can feel frustrated at the lack of variation and excitement
  • They can also feel very seen, heard and able to be totally authentically themselves.

Partners experience:

  • They may find the steadiness and reliability could leave them craving more excitement and variety
  • Partners may need to gently direct steady Eddie out of their comfort zone. (just remember to start small and be encouraging!)

Advice for the steady Eddie lover:

To grow and evolve and to fulfil your partner you may need to push outside of your comfort zone and open up to trying new things with your partner.

From new things in the bedroom to new experiences outside the bedroom.

It can be as simple as exploring new topics of conversations to trying out the craziest new sexual activity.

And you might be surprised at some of the new things you try and love!!

4. The mystery magician

What they love:

  • Trying, doing and learning new things. Life is like a huge magical art creation full of excitement and mystery
  • They are on a constant journey of exploration never wanting to stand still. One week they’re speaking at a retreat in Ibiza. The following week they're painting the outside of the house then heading to Burning Man!
  • Adventure and evolvement 
  • Feeling free to create your vision
  • A soul mate who is on the same path.

 What they can struggle with:

  • Feeling misunderstood if a partner is more logical and grounded 
  • Expressing themselves clearly to anyone who doesn’t think like them
  • When they feel off they can be moody and unclear about what they want or need
  • Life changes. New phases or anything that seems like it could threaten adventure & creative freedom
  • Changes in how they feel can throw them off their game.  So having kids, a new job with longer hours, a physical change etc could take a lot of adjusting.

Partners experience:

  • If they’re more logical they may not get the partners constant need for excitement and mystery. It may even feel irritating or irresponsible at times.
  • But it can also open them up to having some wonderful life experiences. Ones they wouldn’t have on their own so it helps to bring out a different side of them.

Advice for the mystery magician:

You will need to redefine what excitement and adventure look like for you at each phase of life. It's important for you and your partner to find new ways to keep a level of mystery, excitement and adventure.

Accept that with maturity comes the need to embrace new types of adventure! It just means you will have to be more creative than ever before!

 

Pin this and explore the love styles with your partner. 

5. Driven & Goal Oriented - Anything is possible when we put our mind to it.

What they love: 

  • Relationship goal setting, achieving milestones and rules
  • Making plans and strategizing even in the bedroom. (which can be super beneficial for hot, adventurous sexy times!)
  • A partner who is on the same page as them and onboard will all of the above
  • Never settling for less than great

What they can struggle with:

  • Being present and being able to enjoy life as it is right now
  • Remembering their partner’s current wants and desires
  • Relaxing can be difficult because the mind is so focused on the future
  • Focusing too much on work
  • Openly communicating and showing emotion.

Partners experience:

  • Can feel unseen because the partner is so focused on achievements, goals & future rather than being exploring each other and life as it is right now
  • Knowing they are loved because all the future plans are how your partner expresses love. But not always feeling it
  • May feel like their partner wants to change them.

Advice for the goal driver:

To grow and deepen love, you need to take into account the differences between you and your partner. Consistently take time to understand and learn more about your partner’s feelings and emotions.

Plan & schedule time to enjoy the relationship you have right now. To find joy together.

Lean into the discomfort of being more present. The future planning and goals aren’t going anywhere.

You taking time to relax and be more present won’t impact your ability to achieve everything you want.

6. Inner Geek Let’s watch sci-fi together

What they love: 

  • Knowledge, nuances details and facts
  • Knowing partner’s opinions and tastes
  • Being a loyal, loving and caring lifelong partner 
  • Stimulating conversation and expressing strong opinions

What they can struggle with:

  • Reading a room 
  • Acknowledging the feelings &emotions of themselves and others
  • Talking about emotions and feelings
  • Remembering to ask your partner “how are you?”
  • When love feels chaotic they tend to shut down and run to a beloved pastime gaming, reading etc to process. Which can leave a partner feeling shut out.
  • They choose escapism as a relief and as a way to avoid hard conversations/ fights. 
  • Feeling misunderstood by a partner.

Partners experience:

  • Can feel frustrated when their partner turns to a gaming session, research project etc and at times every time they need to have a hard conversation.
  • Not being asked simple q’s like “how are you?” can feel hurtful. Even though their partner knows them so well and shows up for them in other ways.
  • May feel a partner is immature at times. Because they all want to do is play. (not a bad thing but harmony needs to be struck between play & dealing with harder stuff!)

Advice for the Geek:

To grow and deepen love and connection you need to learn how to switch into romance mode more often.

Use your brilliant ability to ask questions and learn your partner’s preferences and opinions and apply this to your partner’s desires romantically.

You need to push yourself to take a gamble and give those to your partner. 

This new style of discovery and risk-taking journey may feel a bit like a new computer game! Only it’s including real-life people and action.

Finally making some mental shifts that sometimes hard conversations are necessary and they are safe to have with your partner. And remember that simple q’s like “how are you?” are important. 

7. BFF you are my number one

What they love: 

  • Someone who shares their tendencies
  • Your partner is your priority always even if you have a big circle of friends.
  • A peaceful, predictable harmonious relationship container. Fights and disagreements are unnecessary.
  • Telling their partner they are their best friend.

What they can struggle with:

  • Relationships can become predictable and their dislike of disagreements means they avoid sharing true feelings with others and may not even admit to themselves what’s really going on.
  • They may not speak their needs to their partner because they like to make sure they don’t put too many demands on them. This pattern could lead to them staying with someone out of best friend duty. Rather than any love or passion.
  • They may settle for a friendship and pretend they are ok with that.

Partners experience:

  • Sex and intimacy can be amazing but relationships can become predictable
  • The relationship could begin to feel only like a friendship unless conscious action is taken to keep the passion, and intimacy alight.
  • Could get frustrating when a partner isn’t speaking their needs or making any demands to their partner. 

Advice for the BFF’s:

Be sure to take inspired action to keep the passion alive. Think outside of the box, surprise your partner with new activities in all areas of your relationship life.

8. Bubble tribe of love (I love you most when we celebrate our love with others)

What they love: 

  • Parties and celebrating everything with as many people as possible
  • The buzz and thrive when their partner, friends and family are all together
  • They expect that if you love them you love everyone that they do
  • May be more open to multiple people in a relationship than others.

What they can struggle with:

  • Seeing another perspective. If a partner didn’t love someone as much as them or brought up a negative experienece they had with someone they loved it’s hard for them to even consider this could be true.
  • Putting a partner first when they have so many others in their life that they love.

Partners experience:

  • Could feel unprioritised and maybe even discluded sometimes depending on partners awareness.
  • May feel unable to express experiences or feelings about people in partners life as they ever don’t feel heard or seen when they try. Could lead to them feeling resentful.

Advice for the social lover

You have to develop an understanding of multiple perceptions. Learn to listen and hold space for your partner’s experiences of their loved ones.

Be organised with your arrangements so you can be sure to have time for your partner.

Be conscious and stay aware of making your partner feel included and secure when they are in party social mode.

9. The great escapee run into the sunset with me

What they love: 

  • Escaping and forgetting about the world around them and taking their partner with them
  • Being romantic, having fun and making their partner feel like no one else exists.

What they can struggle with:

  • When they get out of balance it can be a struggle to bring themselves back into some degree of alignment. And during these times they struggle with increased self-doubt about everything
  • If they haven’t taken time away from the world they can burn out easily
  • This can lead to a tendency to want to be rescued by their partner. And if this isn’t something their partner tends to do, it can lead to problems in the relationship. And if they aren’t getting the “rescuing” they may run.

Partners experience

  • May find they are being leaned on to rescue their partner
  • Could get frustrated with how much their partner wants to escape and hideaway.

Advice for the escapee 

Find ways to be able to “rescue” yourself to take that pressure off your partners. Be aware of taking intentional time each day to do some spiritual work and personally recharge to help avoid burnout.

 10. Knight in shining armour  

What they love: 

  • Saving, rescuing and being the hero for their partner
  • Feeling needed. It feels like a purpose 
  • Being appreciated for their rescuing
  • Finding solutions

What they can struggle with:

  • Knowing how to not fix or rescue and just to  listen and hold space
  • Sometimes they can be trying to fix multiple people at once so their partner could feel neglected, jealous or resentful
  • When a partner is more independent and doesn’t depend heavily on them they can feel lost and unneeded and perhaps even unloved.

Partners experience:

  • Could feel frustrated, unseen and perhaps irritated by the constant need of trying to fix everything. Even when they didn’t ask.
  • Jealously could arise if all their partner’s energy is being used to fix everyone around them.

Advice for hero

Important to remember to leave energy and time for your partner in amongst all the fixing. Make sure they know they are important. 

Learn to get comfortable with not always trying to fix your partner. Ask them “what do you need?” and listen to what they say.

Remind yourself that independence doesn’t mean you aren’t loved, needed or unseen. You don’t need everyone to be dependant on you for you to be a worthy loveable human.

Compliment any independence your partner shows and learn to be comfortable with it.

To conclude...

Clarifying your partner’s expression leads to more understanding, and this understanding empowers you with the ability to take heartfelt action to help yourself and your partner.

And knowing your love style weaknesses helps to add in what is missing and create a more dynamic and multi-faceted relationship. 

The Love languages 

These languages were brought about by a guy called Gary Chapman. The concept is that we all have our own love languages and these are indicators of how we give and receive love. 

The five categories are:

  1. Words affirmation
  2. Acts of service
  3. Receiving gifts
  4. Quality time 
  5. Physical touch. 

They are pretty self-explanatory so I won’t go into definitions. But if you’re interested in knowing yours you can take the quiz here.

Both of these tools are so helpful. Not only within our romantic relationships but also to help us simply understand ourselves better. 

And on that note...

In my breathwork teacher qualification, they taught us about using and applying the love languages to help you develop more self-love.

And actually, this is a really powerful concept. Because when it comes to the topic of self-love, people can find it very hard to know where to begin.

So having even a slight understanding of how you experience love is pretty goddamn important.

So if we break this down further with an example it would look something like this:

Let’s say your main love language is words of affirmation.

Then a self-love practice you could have is the use daily of affirmations. 

You could also hit your journal focusing on:

  • Giving gratitude
  • Celebrating accomplishments & the achievements
  • Acknowledging the things you like about yourself
  • Paying yourself compliments, frickin left, right and centre. 

Basically use it as space to big yourself up.

Whatever your relationship status right now...

I encourage you to use these tools to learn your love patterns and what it is that you want and need in your relationships. 

Both of these have definitely been very helpful in the relationship I’m in now.

I hope this blog helps you my friend and I hope you have an amazing, amazing rest of the day.

S xxx

CREDITS :Thanks and credit to Strategic Intervention for introducing me to the concept of the Love Styles

CHECK OUT THE LOVE ACADEMY AND GET ON THE WAITLIST HERE

About the author

Hello you! I'm Sarah. I live in London & I'm in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful guy in NYC!

You can find me at home or in coffee shops creating content for you across my various platforms (Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube), searching for vintage/retro pieces for my Vintro shop.

Or creating new designs for Duff’s self-love corner marketplace.

I created this blog to share with you my journey to thriving more than ever in my 40’s. I want to give you everything I’ve learnt so you can learn how to become the most fun, happy confident version of yourself and live a life you love.

You can expect posts on dating, relationships, self-love, mind management, style & general life musings!

You can find out more about me & my works as a coach HERE.