Two Behaviours That Keep you Single & Attracting the Wrong Partner

dating datingcoach findinglove healing innerwork selflove Oct 15, 2021

The picture above is my current view of the magnificent NEW YORK CITY baby!

The last time I was here was 3 years ago for my 40th birthday and jeez it’s crazy to reflect on how much things have changed.

That trip will always stick in my mind as very significant for a couple of reasons:

1. It was my first solo trip abroad.

2. It was really the beginning of my self-discovery and healing journey.

And the truth is this...

Without embarking on that journey, I wouldn’t be back in NYC 3 years later to spend a month with the man I met 18 months ago on Tinder.

And yes in case you’re wondering he is from NYC and yes we have been doing the long-distance thing for the past 18 months!

Has it always been easy?

No of course not!!

But it actually gave me the opportunity and space for even more growth.

You see I’d been doing the inner work for a few years so some of my deeper layers had been uncovered & healed.

But when you put someone else in the mix of your life it has a habit of uncovering more & more layers of the onion!

In fact, the truth is that relationships are our greatest teachers.

I’ve heard from numerous of my coaches & mentors “Sarah people around you are your biggest teachers & they're the mirror guide to your unconscious."

And it’s the truth.

When I set the intention I wanted to meet someone I took this mirror concept and began reflecting on past relationships.

Really owning that I was the common denominator in them all. And asking "what were they were mirroring to me?"

Yes, taking responsibility and facing this truth sucked. And yes it was very uncomfortable.

But by doing this I got my biggest breakthroughs. And these breakthroughs have allowed me to finally move forward & create a healthy relationship with someone.

I know without taking responsibility and the action I have I would still be single or perhaps in the midst of another painful dating experience.

Over the past 18 months, I’ve had the opportunity to practice showing up completely differently.

  • I’ve been able to observe myself and see where I was still leaking my own crap into the relationship and have had the space to process, release and move forward.
  • I’ve had to learn to communicate my wants and needs like a ninja. Because if you want to have a successful long-distance relationship you have no option but to communicate openly and clearly.

I almost feel the universe designed it this way because of my crappy relationship history. Because the distance in my opinion has helped me to slow my roll and not rush things.

And it has allowed me to stop my crapy default patterns from taking over!

In this blog post, I wanted to share with you 2 default patterns I perpetuated that kept me single and stuck in what I refer to as a love rut for years.

But once I created a pattern shift I was then able to attract the relationship I have.

And these patterns and the deeper layers of crap that support them are not unique to me.

I speak to and coach women who have the exact same patterns I did and have spent as many years as I did feeling frustrated with their love life to the point where they convince themselves they'll be just fine never meeting anyone even though deep in their heart they know that's not true.

I hope what I'm about to share with you today helps give you some insight that will help you on your journey to meeting a partner and being in a loving, healthy relationship.

So get comfy and let’s dive in.

1. Self-abandonment

The first thing I want to talk about is the habit of self-abandoning. This was a HUGE problem for me.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about don’t worry neither did I for a long time.

Until one day I was doing some reading and stumbled across an article talking about this concept.

The article I was reading asked me the following questions:

  • Do you have a hard time trusting yourself?
  • Do you hide parts of yourself your feelings, beliefs, and ideas in order to fit in or please others?
  • Do you diminish or discount your feelings because you think they dont really matter?

I was looking at the list and I was like "yup check, check and check!”

After the questions, it stated in bold “This is self-abandonment.” and I was like “oh ok I guess I better continue reading to learn more about the thing I’m doing that I don’t even know about!”

So in case, you’re like me let me give you some brief insight into what self-abandonment is and how it shows up in dating and relationships.

Essentially, self-abandonment is when you reject, suppress or ignore part of yourself in real-time.

In other words, you have a need or desire you want to meet, and often in the moment, you make the decision not to meet it.

Which could look like not speaking up, doing something you don't want to just to make someone else happy to or just to avoid having an uncomfortable convo.

Self-abandonment is pretending something is good enough for you right now or pretending it might evolve into what you want it to be.

And the common belief driving it is "I have to make myself uncomfortable to preserve other people."

How does it show up in dating and relationships?

It can look like:

  • Dating potential
  • Not asking for what you want/need for your sexual pleasure
  • Sacrificing your needs to please another
  • Pretending you're cool with casual
  • Ignoring your intuition and red flags
  • Hiding what you truly want because you just want to be picked
  • Continuing to date or stay in a relationship when you know it's not right for you
  • A lack of boundaries.

 

How things are different for me after doing the inner work

From the beginning of this relationship, I set the intention that everything I did in this relationship would be the polar opposite of the things I had done in my past.

NO MATTER HOW UNCOMFORTABLE it might feel in the moment.

Because something we need to accept is that creating new behaviours is uncomfortable.

And the mind will do everything it can to try and get us to return to old familiar patterns. Even if they're hurting us by sabotaging what we want.

This is why you have to become conscious of you’re old programming and be very intentional about making different decisions over and over.

Because your brain is fighting for what it perceives to be safe which is any kind of familiar feeling and pattern. 

And this is why it feels yakky and hard in the beginning.

But eventually, it begins to feel more natural as you retrain your brain to find safety in the new behaviours and your new way of being.

Daily I’m observing my thoughts and feelings. And in those moments where old programming might be sneaking in and trying to silence me or lead me into an old pattern, I choose to express myself instead. I choose to do the thing that might feel the most uncomfortable.

2. Outsourcing instead of self-sourcing

The other HUGEEELY unhelpful pattern I’ve broken is that I’m no longer on the validation train constantly looking for someone or something outside of me to validate my worth. To make me feel I’m enough and loveable.

I got that covered for myself. I know my worth. I know I am enough. And I know I’m loveable.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t nice to have someone validate me and give me those swell of feelings but it’s no longer a necessity for me.

And that my friend has been a game-changer in this relationship.

Because when we need constant reassurance from a partner we’re leaking desperate energy all over them. And we come across as needy.**

Which can feel very suffocating for the person on the receiving end. 

(**different from having needs and needing to have those met in a healthy way)

These 2 combined can end up putting a lot of stress on a relationship and result in acting as a repellent & driving someone away.

I know this because I lived it over & over.

And this is how it would play out…

I would meet someone. For the first few dates, I would hold it together coming across as the cool chick.

Then things would begin to unravel.

Because as he continued to treat me as the easy-going cool girl who didn't make demands and who didn't appear to have any needs (which is how I’d set the situation up).

The insecure part of me would become activated and begin over-functioning to the extreme.

My behaviour would change and become more intense, desperate and needy as I tried to create feelings of safety. And have my worth, loveability & enoughness validated.

This resulted in my missing / ignoring red flags. He would begin to pull away and ultimately the relationship would be over.

When it ended I internalised everything. So the story I told myself was the relationship ended because I wasn’t enough or worthy of love.

And so the cycle continued.

And that’s what I want you to realise.

Your patterns will keep repeating until you begin to do the inner work and heal those deeper wounded layers.

Because those layers are often are stacked with core beliefs that are limiting you and keeping you single and stuck in a love rut.

Without the work I’ve done on myself, I would still be single and stuck in the same unhealthy and unhelpful patterns. Every day I give thanks that I discovered the inner & healing work.

And BTW things aren’t perfect!

I’m still very much working through things because stuff still comes up all the time. I’m on what I call the rinse & repeat!

This means every day I observe myself. I get curious about what’s coming up & then I’m as intentional with my actions as possible.

But sometimes I miss stuff and end up in a spiral! Because that my friend is the human experience.

But the good news is I don't hang about there very long anymore because I have wonderful tools that I use with myself and share with my clients that help us to work through and move forward from any spirals ASAP!

I hope this has given you some insight and food for thought to will help you move forward on your journey to finding love.

Would love to hear from you. If you have any comments or if anything spoke to you please send me an email here or contact me here.

Before I go I have one last thing to share with you.

The Thrive in Love Academy my monthly coaching membership will be opening as a 3-month beta for only 20 members very soon.

So if you're ready to break old love patterns and change the future of your love life check out the details below and pop your name on the waitlist today. (Enrollment will be done on a first come first serve basis.)

Big hugs

S xxxx

CHECK OUT THE LOVE ACADEMY AND GET ON THE WAITLIST HERE

About the author

Hello you! I'm Sarah. I live in London & I'm in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful guy in NYC!

You can find me at home or in coffee shops creating content for you across my various platforms (Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube), searching for vintage/retro pieces for my Vintro shop.

Or creating new designs for Duff’s self-love corner marketplace.

I created this blog to share with you my journey to thriving more than ever in my 40’s. I want to give you everything I’ve learnt so you can learn how to become the most fun, happy confident version of yourself and live a life you love.

You can expect posts on dating, relationships, self-love, mind management, style & general life musings!

You can find out more about me & my works as a coach HERE.